Lostincharacters - A Journey of the Mind

Day 1!

Wed, 09 Jul 2014 00:04:00 +0200

So today was my first day on the dunkan diet. I do not know if it will actually work. I started my day with a pancake made the night before with oat bran, 0% greek yoghurt and an egg. I have another pancake for tomorrow morning. I will take pictures when I make it again tomorrow night. Overall however, it isn't very good, but I will make do.

I then took thai chicken patties with a garlic dip to work. Everyone commented on how strong the garlic smelled, but actually it was only a very small piece. I forgot to add the ginger to the chicken paste, so it wasn't as tasty as it could have been. i think next time I will try changing the dip which had a yoghurt ase to a more soy sauce/spice dip. Or perhaps vinegar would be nice.

I finished the day with something very tasty: a mini corn-fed chicken with soy sauce, worcester sauce, sesame oil, chinese mala spice, ginger, salt & seaweed, pepper, water, onions and chives. I made it in the oven, but for tomorrow lunch I have fried some chicken breast to have at work.

Overall, my feelings for the diet are weird. It is supposed to destroy all the fat and transform it into muscle. We shall see how it works. I do not know if it will work, but I do feel a little weird, as if I'm missing something. I'd really like to bite into some bread, but that I absolutely cannot. Bread is over! But I will make konjak noodles for Thursday lunch.

D:1/180

I make the Wrong Decisions

Sun, 18 May 2014 00:15:00 +0200

It's very difficult for me to cheer myself up.

Life at the moment is hard. Waking up everyday at 7:15, and only going to bed around midnight, with little to no time to myself. The stress of impending exams, a long commute, and numerous personal issues make it so that I find life difficult at the moment.

Today, feeling tired and drained, I wanted to take some time to myself. Little did I know that I would just end up being talked about on the train, which obviously would bring my mood down. To lift my spirits, I called the one person I thought could cheer me up, but in the end it just ended up hammering the nails in my coffin of moodiness.

I wanted to write about something happy, about my views on inner beauty and the importance of valuing yourself and others by the love in their heart.

I wanted to write about the need to rid oneself of the pangs of jealousy or envy we often have when vying other people's achievements. I wanted to talk about my own desires to cope with these feelings.

I wanted to write about how to cheer myself on, I will create a song and sing it in the street, out loud, as others walk by staring at me, or about how I try to study regardless of the circumstances, and I recite out loud on my own in public. I wanted to talk about how I try not to care.

But in the end, I cannot lie to myself. I do care. And by lying to myself, I just deepen the already all too present cuts. So instead of writing, I shall go to bed and bid you all goodnight.

Here is hoping for better times ahead.

And to all those I disappoint, I say sorry.

Especially to you, I say sorry.

But for the first time, I will also say sorry to myself, for always making the wrong decisions, which only hurt me more.

Although old, this song still hasn't lost its touch.

London underground: engueulades et menaces vides

Sat, 10 May 2014 10:39:00 +0200

Aujourd'hui, ce sera en Francais.

Il m'arrive souvent d'entrer en conflit avec les gens. Ce n'est pas un trait de caractere dont je suis fiere.

Mes niveaux de stress, ainsi que les circonstances, font que ce n'est jamais facile au jour le jour. Aujourd'hui encore, une bonne femme m'a drolement enervee. Essayant tranquillement de travailler, j'avais pris le siege a cote de moi pour mon sac. Justement, quand je cherchais une calculatrice dans mon sac, une femme d'une trentaine d'annees s'approche de moi. Siege vide en face, et en diagonale, mais non. Elle veut s'asseoir a cote de moi, et quand je la regarde pour demander, "Serieux?" elle me retourne le regard. Pendant ce temps, le siege en face de moi me devisageait aussi du regard.

J'ai essaye de calmer mon stress en ecrivant sur mes papiers, et bien que ca m'ait aide, quand je l'ai vue marmonner quelque chose je n'ai pas pu m'empecher de marmonner a mon tour "Stupid." Mdr, elle arrive a galop comme un taureau dans une torrera, "Blablabla, seats are for people, not for bags, if you ever call me stupid again you will have problems. Because you don't know me." Et donc, elle se permet de me menacer avec un accent de l'Europe de l'Est. Franchement, je me suis demande, mais que compte-t-elle faire? Elle sait tres bien qu'elle avait tort, qu'il y avait une abondance de sieges autour de nous. Et moi, j'avais perdu mon surligneur par sa faute, et je n'avais rien pu faire pendant la demi-heure sur ce train. Et je lui ai dit "Byyyyye Stupid!" et je suis partie prendre mon deuxieme train.

Bien entendu, je ne l'ai pas revue depuis. Je ne sais pas a quoi elle pouvait penser en me menacant, allait-elle appeler son pays d'origine et dire "Oh non, quelqu'un m'a appelee stupide sur le train!" Mais bon, encore une bonne femme qui sait et veut enerver son monde.

Je n'aime vraiment pas le souterrain. Je n'aime vraiment pas le metro. Et je n'aime vraiment pas habiter loin de l'universite. Vivement la fin. Plus qu'un mois et des.

I have Tunnel Vision

Tue, 29 Apr 2014 17:50:00 +0200

'Tis true. Very true.

I do have tunnel vision. I have wanted to write for a few days, but each time I tell myself off for wanting time to myself given that my looming exams are just around the corner. But now I shall give myself a quick break, before I tackle some more work.

There are a few things I would like to share today. Lack of time makes for lack of effort, and hence I shall start by copying and sharing a poem by Philip Larkin.

TOADS

by Phillip Larkin

Why should I let the toad work

Squat on my life?

Can't I use my wit as a pitchfork

And drive the brute off?

Six days of the week it soils

With its sickening poison -

Just for paying a few bills!

That's out of proportion.

Lots of folk live on their wits:

Lecturers, lispers,

Losels, loblolly-men, louts-

They don't end as paupers;

Lots of folk live up lanes

With fires in a bucket,

Eat windfalls and tinned sardines-

they seem to like it.

Their nippers have got bare feet,

Their unspeakable wives

Are skinny as whippets - and yet

No one actually starves.

Ah, were I courageous enough

To shout Stuff your pension!

But I know, all too well, that's the stuff

That dreams are made on:

For something sufficiently toad-like

Squats in me, too;

Its hunkers are heavy as hard luck,

And cold as snow,

And will never allow me to blarney

My way of getting

The fame and the girl and the money

All at one sitting.

I don't say, one bodies the other

One's spiritual truth;

But I do say it's hard to lose either,

When you have both.

I think the theme is self-explanatory. I shan't comment on the meaning, after all poetry is meant to resonate in each and everyone both in similar and divergent ways.

But I shall explain how I relate to this poem. The toad that squats in me has been croaking for many years, and although I may not yet actually be earning a penny, the amount of labour the toad demands of my penniless self makes me wonder how I can stand him at all. I too wonder at times why I cannot let things go and see where they take me. This is something I would like to try to learn, albeit not right now as my exams are looming.

The theme of letting yourself go and accepting yourself for who you are is very nicely portrayed in Disney's famous movie Frozen. So widely distributed, I won't give a link to the original song. However, today I came across a version that I found quite amusing given my circumstances.

I wish I could feel this way. But cannot not care. Whenever I have such thoughts, I cannot help but remember all the great things I want to accomplish in my life, as well as the amount of effort I have already put into my studies and experience. I am tired though. Exhausted actually. I want this to stop. And I would like to be carefree for a while. I really wish I could take a break from everything soon.

I must return to my Accounting Analysis, and my Statistical Analysis, and my... Oh you get the gist.

Reflections on: Empathy Vs. Sympathy

Fri, 25 Apr 2014 01:04:00 +0200

So yesterday I mentioned that I had seen two different movies. I talked about the first one at length but I did not have time to properly describe the second one. The second one was also a comedy (I need those these days) called "Qu'est ce qu'on a fait au Bon Dieu?" (in English, What have we done to God?)

The movie is a reflection on interracial and intercultural relationships. Three daughters of a very French, very Catholic and very bourgeois family each marry a man of immigrant descent: a Muslim named Rachid, a Jew named David, a man of Chinese descent named Chao. The final daughter, Laure, is about to marry her black Ivorian boyfriend, to the great despair of her parents.

I found the movie to be great fun. I laughed a lot, but most importantly, it made me reflect on my own similar experiences. There are many issues I would have liked to address, but time constraints will only allow me to discuss one for now.

Sympathy vs. Empathy: how to understand others

Having been raised by a more or less atheist and very open-minded Northern European mother and very Catholic, fairly conservative Southern European father, I have to say that cultural differences do not make family life easy. Even if you stay within a single continent, the mentalities can vary widely, and it is never easy to change or see things from the other person's point of view. I myself have great difficulties seeing things as other people would see them. This does not mean that one does not take into consideration the circumstances of others, but merely transposes their own thoughts and opinions on the other person's situation. This simplification makes it a lot easier to understand, but it can lead to some counter-productive results.

From personal experience, I find Catholics (Christians?) tend to do this a lot. The Golden Rule ("do unto others as you would have them do unto you") is widely quoted, and yet quite misleading. Originally meant to keep everyone happy and satisfied, it overlooks the reality that each person's happiness is derived from different elements, and that one cannot simply transpose one's own desires onto others. It leads to a combination of condemnation if others express their different desires or perceptions of the world, and sympathy as those involved tend to be incapable (or perhaps unwilling) of altering their own perceptions in order to understand the other person's situation.

One might think that sympathy is not a bad thing. Indeed, in French the word "sympa" or "sympathique" is commonly used to mean a "nice" person. But in reality, sympathy can be very similar to condescension. If anything, it may even dismiss other people's pain completely. Therefore, one ought to focus on Empathy, which is the process of putting oneself in someone else's shoes. To illustrate this, this is a video that I recently watched that I personally really liked:

In the movie, those who tend to make these mistakes are the parents, as the movie does not focus at all on the issues within the different couples. Rather, it is about the parents coping with their children's choices in life. The parents sympathise with their sons-in-law, but do not empathise with them. They know very little about their sons-in-law, and in all honesty refuse to try. It is only half-way through the movie do they all start taking steps towards understanding each other. The mother starts to take Zumba lessons, she makes three roast Turkeys: Halal, Pekin-style, and Kosher, and she connects with the mother of her soon-to-be son-in-law on their favorite part of the Bible.

The sons-in-law have similar issues among themselves, stereotyping the others and accusing them of various things. One thing I did rather enjoy about this is that the movie does show that minorities can also be just as racist against one another as "White" people can. This is a discussion I will have another time, but the concept that White people cannot be the target of racism or that minorities cannot be racist has always perplexed me.

Two Movies: Two Aspects of my Life

Wed, 23 Apr 2014 21:36:00 +0200

In the past two days I watched two different movies, both comedies aimed at lifting my spirits.

The first one was called "Neuf Mois Ferme" (or Nine Month Stretch in English.) A judge in her late 20s early 30s has a one night stand while drunk and falls pregnant. The father of the baby, a felon convicted for a crime he did not commit, happens to capture her and force her to take up his case and prove his innocence. I have to say, I actually laughed quite a bit.

I captured one quote that I thought was very interesting:

A force de prendre la porte il a appris comment les ouvrir.

In English, this translate to "Having been shown the door so many times he learned how to open them." In the film it was meant literally, as the felon, rejected by his parents, orphanages, schools, apprenticeships and society as a whole, began intruding on and stealing from other peoples' property. But if one were to expand the meaning of this quote, it could actually be a real message of hope.

Indeed, rejection after rejection, interview after interview, or audition after audition, when you get no result you can quickly become discouraged. But just as you learn how to get rejected, you also learn how to not get rejected.

This year, I went through a great many interviews, most going disastrously. Some of the mistakes I made I am too ashamed to talk about in person, but I will write what I learned here:

- Never ask how your application stands in regards to others. A friend told me to do this as it could put the employers' minds at ease. It only makes the interviewer feel embarrassed and, actually, it leads to a direct rejection.

- Know exactly what you want in life. Do not go into an interview without having thought before about what you want from a job, why you are fit for this job, where you hope to be eventually. I made the mistake of saying I was interested in teaching at the end of my career. When trying to get into banking as a graduate, do not make that mistake.

- Learn about the industry. It seems cliche but it actually is not all that easy. This year, I hope to read a number of books on each industry I am interested in. I realize that memorizing one or two formulas (WACC = [Equity/(Equity + Debt) * cost of equity] + [Debt/(Equity + Debt) * cost of debt * (1 - tax rate)] or again Adjusted Present Value = Vlevered = Vunlevered + PV (Interest Tax Savings) etc.) These formulas, albeit important, matter not in the grand scheme of things. Also, memorizing a bit of data from an article you read in the Economist will not work either. Better to talk about a lot of different areas with not as much detail than know a lot about a single area but with detail that could be false.

- Use different sources. Read books. The Economist, the Financial Times, all these are used and overused. Look to innovate. Look into what you want. At the end of the day, the interviewer will not care where you learned the information, as long as you learned it and can talk about it!

- I guess the last one goes without saying, but do not assume that having the best credentials will automatically gain you access to the workplace you desire. As a linguist who has learned about Finance, Accounting, Math, History, Statistics, Politics, and has lived in many different countries, I thought it would not be too difficult to get a job. After all, how many were there like me? A First, a Mention Tres Bien, three internships. And yet, here I am, writing this article. Do not take yourself too highly, and try not to take things too personally. This is one I am still working on.

I guess those are the key points I learned through my interviews.

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The second movie I went to see was called "Qu'est ce qu'on a fait au Bon Dieu?"

TBC

The First Step on a Long Journey

Tue, 22 Apr 2014 12:06:00 +0200

It has been a long time since I last posted here. Yet, although things around me have changed, it seems that I myself have not.

Yes, I have been through new experiences. I met someone whom I fell in love with. I lived with a friend with whom I had a great many arguments. I studied at a new school, a new subject entirely.

And yet, I am still in the same turmoil as when I last posted. But this is where I draw the line.

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Change is necessary both within and without. I need to change.

A friend compared me to a beautiful bird stuck inside its own shell. If only I could peck my shell away, I could finally live.

I have travelled far and wide. I have been to China, to India, to Japan, to the United Kingdom, to the United States. I have travelled across Europe. I have even lived in many of these countries. And yet, I still have not properly experienced any of them it seems.

I still do not fully understand how I can peck at my shell, or better, break it up. I realise it has much to do with inner peace, and little to do with control. But in a sense, it is also all about control, because the aim is to gain better control over my life, emotions and mind.

So I have decided that I need to start moving towards my goal.

My first step in understanding what I need to do was to watch, corny as this may sound, the film Eat, Pray Love with Julia Roberts. I had already watched it once, but I had absolutely abhorred it. Somehow yesterday I felt the need to re-watch it. And sure enough, I find it has helped.

These are the quotes I picked up throughout the movie which I feel have meaning and that I could benefit from:

Dolce far nienti

Ruin is a gift. Ruin is a road to transformation.

For this one, I think I should explain my situation, because this seems to give me a new outlook on myself. I feel like my heart is in ruin. My heart started out strong, able to stand up to bullies who wanted my sandwiches. But hurtful child-play broke out around me, and upon my strong heart was thrown a mountainful of names, slanders, and insults. Injured, my heart came out of all this with hatred for those who had wronged me, and obsession to make them see who I could be, what I could become. I dreamt of them asking me for a job, being at my mercy. But life doesn't work that way. They did not stay in my life. Our paths met, and then we went our separate ways. Only the pain and hatred remained.

Soon after that, I began high school. Pressure to succeed lead my heart further astray, into a thorny forest of stress and solitude. Within the forest, my heart met someone who called herself Depression. At first, Depression just stood away from my heart, watching me and my heart as we walked on further into the forest. But slowly, as we left her alone, she approached us and we befriended her. Depression made the thorny forest fun. The thorns still hurt, but we could now play hide and seek. Depression knew and understood what my heart was going through, and Depression actually felt like a long lost friend.

Around this time, my parents took me to a doctor. My mother herself had long been friends with Depression, but on the advice of doctors she had kept her at bay by taking powerful medication that repelled Depression. I was told to take the same medication. But how could I take the medication when Depression soothed the thorns of the forest? At least she made it fun. I began to dance with my Depression. At times I would keep her at bay, at others I would invite her back into my arms.

After high School, depression left for a while. But sometime in my third year of university, I found my way back into the thorny forest and I found her again. Three years on, we are still together.

My Heart is in ruin because of the bombing of words as a child. My Heart is in ruin because of the excessive dancing with Depression. Love of course is in the equation, and only adds to the heartache I now feel. But now I understand that if my Heart is in ruin, that means that it can transform. I want it to transform. I need it to transform. And it is time for me to end my Heart's relationship with Depression.

Waiting for him to forgive you is a damn waste of time. Forgive yourself.

I mentioned that love was in the equation. Yes, I have loved. Yes, I still love.

But I felt that love was preventing me from moving forward. Although you learn to walk with your parents holding your hands, it is only when you take your first steps on your own that you are truly walking. This is what I now need to do. Thank you Tony for having held my hand. Thank you Tony for having lifted me up and walked with me for a year and a half. I am forever grateful for that. But now I need to learn to walk on my own.

Until yesterday, I have been crying my eyes out thinking about him. I knew I caused him pain. I knew he was angry. I knew he wanted to move forward.

I wanted him to forgive me. I wanted to do what was right by him. But I realise now that my actions have been taken, and the only way for him to forgive me is if I forgive myself first. I will forgive myself, and I will move forward.

Hopefully, one day I will be able to walk and run to see him, and he will see that what I did I did not do in vain. But before that, I must forgive myself.

God dwells within you as you.

This one is a little tricky for me. Raised in the Catholic faith, I have always had a strenuous relationship with God. The someone may believe that a man born on this earth was actually the son of God, born to a virgin of 13/14 in the middle of the desert on one December night has always bewildered me. I did do my holy communion, I did study catechism at school, my parents were married in a church and I do believe in the sanctimony of marriage, but Christianity has never seemed "for me."

The concept of God however I do believe in. I have prayed many a time. I have talked with him, and I am trying to find him as we speak.

I want to believe in God, I truly do. I want to love God. And so I am in search of God. Now for some time I have always thought that the song "He lives in you" from the Lion King 2 was a reference to God, and meant that God was within each and every one of us. This seems to be what Gilbert found on her trip to India, and this is going to be my quest.

As I write, these are but words. But I want this to become the Truth: I believe that God dwells within me.

As a resolution, I want to go to the temple. I will meditate. But most importantly, I want to read and find a belief that I can respect.

It is ok to have broken heart. It means you have loved for something.

Tony, I hope you read this someday. My Heart is truly broken. I do not want to leave you. I love you still.

I understand that I have not shown it adequately during our relationship, but I want to earn back your respect, your love, your approval. I am sorry for the pain I have caused you.

But please look at my broken Heart: although it might not have been obvious, it was True.

When you set out in the world to help yourself, sometimes you end helping… tutti. (Everybody)

Now this is the goal. I want to help. I know this may sound kitsch, I know it may sound cliche, but I want to do the best I can to help those around me, as well as those on the other side of the world from me.

But now I understand, that before I can help "Tutti", I must first help myself.

And this is where my journey begins.

Written without music, and in two steps.

Dessin 3/50

Thu, 14 Jun 2012 16:30:00 +0200

Dessin 2/50

Mon, 11 Jun 2012 19:44:00 +0200

Second drawing completed. I will post the first one later, because it isn't complete as yet. I'm sending this one to a friend of mine tomorrow. I hope he'll like it. =)

Opening

Mon, 21 May 2012 19:03:00 +0200

I created this blog in order to keep people the who matter updated with what is going on in my life over the summer. Whereas I feel that Facebook gnaws at my privacy, I hope that this blog will enable me to have more power over what I choose to divulge and its readership.

It is also in order to keep a record of my resolutions for the summer. So before I actually write my first "real" article, I will first enumerate my summer goals here:
- Write my dissertation
- Prepare and revise my Korean lessons
- Prepare and revise my Chinese lessons
- Fill my sketchbook (meaning about 50 drawings)
- Lose the weight I gained with exams
- Keep a diary of my internship and other tidbits of my life

At the end I hope to look back at this article and see what I managed to do.

So wish me luck!

PS: If I find anything else I'll add it along the way.